Anybody down for some gaze-play?

Dear Craigslist is an ongoing series of real craigslist ads posted by STUBBLE contributors.

EPISODE THREE (Post-Date:  3/25/10)

Anybody down for some gaze-play? - 21 (Uptown)

Hey Ladies,
My name is “Dan.” I’m looking for a girl who wants to be looked at by me. I’ll tell you right now that if we’re going to do this, it’s going to be different from any date you’ve had before. “Sure,” you’re thinking. “Why wouldn’t I let a guy look at me if we’re on a date?” Here’s the thing, though: you’re not going to be able to look at me. At no point during our interaction together will you see any part of me. It’ll be like a fun episode of The Dating Game, except I’ll know what you look like. Since this date will be about seeing (my seeing you and your being seen by me), it will be essential that you send pictures of yourself if you expect any sort of reply. I, obviously, will not be reciprocating with pictures of myself, but I may send you a cryptic series of images, some ironic and some not ironic, with which you may try, futilely, to piece together some idea of me, Dan.

Here’s what I like in a typical first date:
I’ll drive up to your house in a classic black Lincoln limousine. You will exit the house looking your best and enter the back seat of the car. A large garbage bag will have been draped in front of you so that I may remain unseen. I will have left a black bandanna on the seat next to you, which you will then fashion into a blindfold. We’ll go to the Old Spaghetti Factory and get some lasagna; don’t worry, I’ll lead you around so you don’t run into anyone and embarrass yourself. I’ll watch intently as you struggle to feed yourself. You’ll become frustrated and admit that you need me to feed you, at which point I will. You’ll lose track of time behind that blindfold of yours, but I’ll know because I’ll see. If everything goes well, maybe we can go back to my place for some fun.

By fun, I don’t mean what you’re probably thinking. I’m not into sex, and certainly not on a first date, you silly little woman. No, what I have in mind will be much better, and it’s in my garage. What I’ve got for you is this eight foot-wide dodecagon of full-length two way mirrors-I call it “the Danopticon.” It spins exactly as fast as I want it to. What we’ll do is set you up in there with no clothes on. You can take your blindfold off now. All you’ll see is yourself, completely exposed, reflected and refracted a million times; you’ll be visible from any angle though unable to see Dan. You’ll be able to hear and smell me, sure. All the better for you to fear me. The Danopticon will spin round and round until you are too disoriented to question your circumstances or to try to understand my screams. Don’t worry, I’ll be there all the time, standing just on the other side. You may even think you see me through the tiny cracks between mirrors. My and your nude bodies will seem to merge, like those cards where you draw a bird on one side and a cage on the other side, and if you spin it real fast it looks like the bird is IN the cage. I, the Danopticon, and you will become inseparable in (y)our consciousness. Then, I’ll take you back to a home that will haunt you every time you look into a bathroom mirror, a window, an especially clean plate.

Older ladies are preferred, but as long as you’re at least 21 we’ll be fine. Must love men. No smokers, please.

-Cliff Chasm

Editor in Chief

Drive-By Dating

Dear Craigslist is an ongoing series of real craigslist ads posted by STUBBLE contributors.

EPISODE TWO (Post Date: 2/21/10)

Drive-by Dating - 21 (Uptown)

I am looking for a swf who dislikes herself enough to submit to me, a fat, drunken loser. Must be brunette/sexy. I have unrealistic expectations for you, and you must have extremely low expectations of me. If you’ve come looking for a friend or possible life mate, you should realize that this is craigslist, and not a fucking Disney movie. Girls who like Disney movies (The Great Mouse Detective, Heavyweights, Meet the Deedles, etc.) preferred. I am likely to be shorter than you, and I am chubby, so I will be unable to throw you around like you’re used to. For this I apologize. But for my stunning lack of competence in bedroom antics, I am not sorry. And while we’re on the subject, let me be frank for a moment and say that I am looking to “get it on,” but I am not interested in penetrative sex, or in pleasuring you in any way. For the duration of what I can only imagine will be our very brief relationship, I will be having you for a greased-up beanbag chair. I will not be what you deserve, but I will be what you beg for. You will look me in the eyes and say I’m the best you’ve ever “had.” Please, do not respond if you have children. I will make a terrifying new daddy for little Jaiden or whatever the hell you named it.

If this ad appeals to you, please, do not send me pics. We will agree upon a time, and you will stand on your front lawn. I will drive by, and if you meet every one of my criteria, I will stop. I may circle the block a few times to try to see you better. Make sure your yard has lights of some kind. If, after two hours, nobody stops and beckons you into a dark 1996 Cutlass, you may assume that you have failed my test, or that I decided sleeping was more important than picking you up at three in the morning. Career-oriented ladies only, please. I work in day trading, and I dislike talking about things other than work. Hope to hear from you soon.

-Cliff Chasm

Editor in Chief

Dear Craigslist,

Dear Craigslist is an ongoing series of real craigslist ads posted by STUBBLE contributors.  Because the series predates this blog, a few entries will be posted in short/chronological order this evening.  Thenceforth, we’ll try to make Dear Craigslist a weekly thing.

EPISODE ONE (Post Date:  2/16/10)

Dear Craigslist - 21 (Uptown)

I AM a swm, seeking a swf for str and fun. Be warned: I AM dramatic and I DO play games. I do NOT have my life together, no car, still listed as a dependent under my insurance policy, ETC. I am not a tall man, and I will be unable to fulfill any of your daddy fantasies of riding horses/motorcycles. I have low self-esteem, and I will serve poorly as your new boyfriend pillow, as I also have low empathy. I am NOT a goal-oriented man, and I do NOT know how to get what I want out of life. If and when we manage to have sex, I will demonstrate with striking clarity the bleeding-over of my personal problems into the bedroom; you will not have an orgasm. One night stands and fwb ideal. Do not look at me in public.

After a few weeks, maybe when we are at the mall, you will realize that I am aimless and dumpy, at which point your desires for me will suddenly seem silly. You will stop calling me, and I will quickly come to believe that I am in love with you.

Smokers/brunettes/has big boobs preferred. Must be cool with man-breasts.

-Cliff Chasm

The Zen of Iniquity

Hello there,

If you’re reading this, you’re probably a member of the team of contributors for this blog.  If that is not the case, welcome!  It doesn’t matter how you got here.  We’re glad to have you.  You’ve entered a world of erotica and ribaldry.  Feel free to wallow.

-Cliff Chasm

Editor in Chief